Animal Jokes

Go to top

The Pheasant and the Bull

A pheasant was standing in a field chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree over yonder," sighed the pheasant, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more, he reached the second branch. And so on....

Finally, after a while, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

Whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullcrap might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Go to top

NASA and the Chickens

True story, as heard on the "Late Late Show with Tom Snyder" 3/3/97

Scientists at NASA have developed a gun, whose purpose it is to launch dead chickens. It is used to shoot a dead chicken at the windshields of airline jets, military jets, and the space shuttle, at that vehicle's maximum traveling velocity. The idea being, that it will simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl, and therefore, determine if the windshields are strong enough to endure high-speed bird strikes.

British engineers, upon hearing of the gun, were eager to test the gun out on the windshield of their new high-speed trains. However, upon the firing of the gun, the engineers watched in shock as the chicken shattered the windshield, smashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two, and embedded itself into the back wall of the cabin.

Horrified, the engineers sent NASA the results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and asked the NASA scientists for any suggestions.

The NASA scientists sent back a one sentence response:

Chicken"Thaw the chicken."

Go to top

The Veterinarian and the Taxidermist

Did you hear about the Veterinarian and the Taxidermist who combined their business? Their slogan: "Either way you get your pet back."

Go to top

Hungry Duck

One day a convenience store worker was sitting not doing much. At 2 o'clock the doors swing open and a duck walks in.

"Do you have any duck food?" the duck asks.

"No we don't got any duck food."

"Okay, thanks anyway", says the duck, and walks out.

The next day at 2 o'clock the doors swing open again, and the same duck walks in.

"Got any duck food?" he asks.

The clerk is a little annoyed. "No! We don't have any duck food!"

"Fine." the duck says and walks out.

The third day at 2 o'clock the doors swing open and the duck walks in and asks "Got any duck food?"

By now the clerk so getting very annoyed. "No" he yells "We don't have any duck food! We didn't have any yesterday won't don't have any today and we won't have any tomorrow! And if you come in here again and ask if we have any duck food I'll nail your little webbed feet to the floor!!!!"

All the duck does is turn and walk out the door.

On the forth day at 2 o'clock the doors swing open and the duck walks in.

"Got any nails?" the duck asks.

"No we don't got nails."

"Well then," the duck says, "got any duck food?"

Go to top

Parachuting Cow

Please go down one page

                                                          \ /
                                                    .../  / | \  \..
                                                   ./ /  /  |  \  \ \.
                                                  /  /   /  |  \   \  \
                                                 /  /   /   |   \   \  \
                                                \          |          /
                                                 \         |         /
                                                  \        |        /
                                                   \       |       /
                                                    \      |      /
                                                     \     |     /
                                                      \    |    /
                                                       \   |   /
                                                        \  |  /
                                                         \ | /(__)
                                                          \|/ (oo)
                                                     /|        ||
                                                    * ||++---||
                                                      ^^     ^^

Consider yourself hit by a parachuting cow. I win! Send this message to as many people as possible.


Send it back or to people already listed above. Send it to your parents, siblings, politicians, teachers, bullies or anyone else you've wanted to hit with a parachuting cow. Have fun. But don't blame me if you're hit.

Remember: E-mail parachuting cows don't hurt, don't get you in trouble with the RSPCA and don't run away. Throw one today!

Go to top

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did *not* cross the road

Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this *chicken* doing walking around all over the place anyway?"

Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but it will lay eggs, file your important documents AND balance your checkbook. Unfortunately, when it divides 3 by 2 it gets 1.4999999999.

Oliver Stone: The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road? "But is rather "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads.

Louis Farrakhan: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Buddha: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

Ralph Waldo Emerson: The chicken did not cross the road-it transcended it.

Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.

Colonel Sanders: I missed one?

Go to top