Q. How do you double the value of a Yugo?
A. Fill the tank with gas! (If it can still hold liquid.)
A. If not, put a gallon of milk in the back seat.
Go to topWhat do Yugos have in common with Ferarris?
- A Ferarri can go from 0 to 60 in 4 seconds.
- A Yugo can go from 0 to 4 in 60 seconds.
Actually, a Yugo CAN accelerate as fast as a Ferarri, if you give it a fast enough running start, so it clears the cliff's edge...
Go to topQ. How do you fix a broken Yugo?
A.
A man entered an auto parts store...
Man: "I need a windshield wiper blade for a Yugo."
Clerk: "Well, only if you throw $20 into the trade."
Go to topI once bought a Yugo with a tow package. ...It was in the front.
Go to topQ. Why does a Yugo have rear a window defroster?
A. To keep your hands warm as you push it.
Go to top"The Oakland Police captured two men in their Yugo last night. The men are being held as suspects in the city's first push-by shooting."
Go to topQ. What comes with every Yugo User's Manual?
A. The bus schedule.
Go to topFrom the Yugo owner's manual: "If you sense an impending accident with any other animate or inanimate object larger than a breadbox, quickly
Yugos are now much safer and come standard with an air bag. When you sense an impending accident, start blowing *real fast.*
Go to topConsumer safety tests showed that a 5 mph parking-lot crash will cause about $2800 damage to a Yugo. What's left? About $1200 of "dealer prep."
Go to topQ. What do you call a Yugo at the top of a big hill?
A. A miracle!
Go to topAUDI
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
BMW
Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster
BUICK
Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer
CHEVROLET
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
DODGE
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
FIAT
Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
Fix It All the Time
Fix it again, Tony!
FORD
backwards -- Driver Returns On Foot
First On Recall Day
First On Rust and Deterioration
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road, Dead
Fault Of R&D
Fast Only Rolling Downhill
Features O.J. and Ron's DNA
GM
General Maintenance
GMC
Garage Man's Companion
Got A Mechanic Coming?
HONDA
Had One Never Did Again
HYUNDAI
Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive...
MAZDA
Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along
OLDSMOBILE
Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Every day.
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment
SAAB
Send Another Automobile Back
Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown.
TOYOTA
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
VOLVO
Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
VW
Virtually Worthless
General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers - - but imagine if they did . . .
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened."
HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"
CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?"
HELPLINE: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine."
CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?"
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere"
HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?"
CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know?"
HELPLINE: "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F.' Where is the needle pointing?"
CUSTOMER: "It's pointing to 'E.' What does that mean?"
HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor, and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you."
CUSTOMER: "What? I paid $12,000.00 for this car. Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in."
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Your cars suck."
HELPLINE: "What's wrong?"
CUSTOMER: "It crashed, that's what went wrong."
HELPLINE: "What were you doing?"
CUSTOMER: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed -- and now it won't start."
HELPLINE: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?"
CUSTOMER: "I want you to send me one of the latest versions that doesn't crash anymore."
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Hi. I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks."
HELPLINE: "Thanks for buying our car.. How can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "How do I work it?"
HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"
CUSTOMER: "Do I know how to what?"
HELPLINE: "Do you know how to DRIVE?"
CUSTOMER: "I'm not a technical person. I just want to go places in my car."
Go to topThe other day I was in the local auto parts store. A lady comes in and asks for a seven ten cap. We all looked at each other and said, "What's a seven ten cap?"
She said, "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost some how and I need a new one."
"What kind of a car is it on," they asked.
Now I'm thinking maybe an old Datsun Seven Ten, but no, she said its a Buick. "OK lady, how big is it?" She makes a circle with her hands about 3 1/2 inches in diameter. "What does it do?"
"I don't know, but its always been there."
One of us gave her a note pad and asked her if she could draw a picture of it. So she makes a circle about 3 1/2 inches in diameter and in the center she writes 710. The guys behind the counter are looking at it upside down as she writes it and they just fall down laughing hysterics.
One guy said, "I think you want an 'OIL' cap."
She said, "Seven Ten cap, oil cap, I don't care what you call it, I just need one! I don't see what is so funny about it."
Go to top