When my family and I lived in South America the grocery store was quite different. They sold things like cow tongue and kidneys.
One night, my dad took us to the grocery store and sent us each to get a different item. My dad went to the back with my 6 year-old sister and on their way they past the meat section and my dad pointed out some of these odd cuts of meat. He specifically pointed out the kidneys. Then they left and went to get whatever item was there's to get.
We all met at the check-out line and while my dad purchased the items my sister ran to my brother and me and said with wide eyes,
"Jessie! They sell kids knees back there!"
Go to topYou can't fool the kids in Sunday school; they are way too smart...
"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday school class.
"NO!" all the children answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?"
Again the answer was, "NO!"
"Well," I continued, "then how can I get to heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted, "You gotta be dead!"
Go to topAdvice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."
You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut up.
Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your children.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like cleaning the driveway before it has stopped snowing.
Mothers of teens know why animals eat their young.
I asked Mom if I was a gifted child ... she said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.
The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
We child proofed our home three years ago and they're still getting in!
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Go to topI was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"
On the first day of school, a first grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
A mother was showing her son how to zip up his coat. "The secret," she said, "is to get the left part of the zipper to fit in the other side before you try to zip it up." The boy looked at her quizzically: "Why does it have to be a secret?"
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter? Haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
Go to topOur three-year-old daughter was saddened at the loss of our pet Pekinese we had owned for several years. We decided to bury him in our back yard (which was okay with city ordinances), and my husband dug his little grave. My daughter and I watched on, tears streaming down our cheeks at the loss of this beloved pet.
We gathered our little family together and my husband offered a tender prayer thanking Heavenly Father for allowing us to have this wonderful animal in our care for so long. Following the prayer we explained to our daughter that his Spirit was going to be with Heavenly Father. She seemed comforted by that.
A few months later our family was in another state visiting other family members. A nephew had heard that our pet had died, and decided to ask our daughter about it. She explained to him that our dog had gone to live with Heavenly Father. My nephew then asked her where Heavenly Father lived and she replied, "In a hole."
I guess we should have been a little more specific about where Heavenly Father lives!
Go to topA boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, "How was I born?"
"Well honey..." said the slightly prudish parent, "the stork brought you to us."
"Oh," said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked.
"Oh, the stork brought us too."
"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted.
"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the parent, by now starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner.
Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: "This report has been very difficult to write because there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."
Go to topAs a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?"
The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my email?"
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