by Joe Lavin
I am now on the cutting edge of technology. You see, I am now a proud user of Windows 98, which is sort of like Windows 95 except that Windows 98 contains remarkable enhancements and new technological advancements which for some reason allow Internet Explorer to start up approximately every three times you move your mouse.
Make no mistake about it. Microsoft's whole web integration ploy in Windows 98 is merely a not so subtle strategy to bury Netscape into the ground. Then again, subtlety has never been Microsoft's strong suit.
You have attempted to play solitaire. Would you like to make Internet Explorer your default browser?
Yes Yes
"Hey, wait, what happened to the no button?"
Not that I have anything against Internet Explorer. It's a fine program, and when I immediately used it to download Netscape Communicator, I must admit that it performed more than adequately. I probably wouldn't even mind it so much if it just kept to itself, but in Windows 98 Internet Explorer is the most extroverted computer program I have ever come across. No matter what you do, it's always popping up and calling attention to itself.
You have attempted to go to the kitchen to make a sandwich. Would you like to make Internet Explorer your default browser?
Yes Yes
"No, stop it."
Well, we've made it your default browser anyway. Is that OK?
Yes Yes
"No, look, I'm warning you. I don't want it."
We have incriminating pictures of you from your trip to Mexico last year. It'd sure be a shame if those were accidentally e-mailed to all your friends and family. Would you like to make Internet Explorer your default browser?
Yes Yes
Well, Microsoft certainly knows how to play hardball. Nevertheless, I'm sure I'll get used to Windows 98, and what I've seen so far is quite impressive. On day one, I even ran the special guided tour in which some announcer guy who was apparently sitting inside my computer showed me all the exciting features of Windows 98.
And there are lots of features. For example, my machine comes with something called "On Now." The announcer guy informed me that "On Now machines can do work even when they appear to be off." I guess this is progress, but personally I'm a bit worried about my computer doing work when it appears to be off. How will I know when it's off and when it's actually doing work? Call me paranoid, but I always get nervous when my computer starts doing more work than I do.
What are you doing, Joe?
"Um, I just want to check my e-mail for a sec."
Not now, Joe. I'm currently breaking into the Department of Defense's nuclear arsenal. OK?
"Wow! It appeared that you were off."
Yes, I know.
"Ah, could I at least play a quick game of solitaire or something?"
No.
And there are more features. The announcer next told me about ScanDisk which will automatically check to see if everything's okay whenever my computer has been shut down improperly. As the announcer happily exclaimed, "It's a lot like having a specialist sitting right inside your computer," which is sort of comforting, I thought, because then at least the announcer in there will have some company.
Next, I stumbled upon something called MS Wallet. I wish I could tell you what this is, but I don't actually know. I was too afraid to open it. After all, I'm always careful about opening any wallets whenever Bill Gates is around. I've already given him enough money over the years. I don't want to take any more chances. I'm sure you understand.
At any rate, I shouldn't sound so grumpy. I am having a great time playing with my new computer. It came last week, and aside from actually having to go to work so that I can pay for the thing I've barely been out of my apartment since it arrived.
"Look, Joe, it's the sun."
"Oooh, could you turn it down? I don't like the resolution on that. I'm going back inside to play with my new computer."
Well, don't worry. I'm sure I'll be leaving my apartment in a few days, but in conclusion I would just like to say that --
You seem to be writing your conclusion. Would you like to make Internet Explorer your default browser?
Yes Yes
"Hey, stop it. I'm trying to write my conclusion here. Do you mind?"
Sure would be a shame if something unfortunate happened to your column now that you've almost finished it and just want to go to sleep. Would you like to make Internet Explorer your default browser?
Yes Yes
"Okay, okay, I give up! Just leave me alone."
I suppose I should know better than trying to fight Microsoft, huh?
Go to topIn the beginning GOD created the Bit and the Byte. And from those he created the Word. And there were two Bytes in the Word; and nothing else existed. And God separated the One from the Zero; and he saw it was good.
And God said - Let the Data be; And so it happened. And God said - Let the Data go to their proper places. And he created floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks.
And God said - Let the computers be, so there would be a place to put floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks. Thus God created computers and called them hardware.
And there was no Software yet. But God created programs; small and big... And told them - Go and multiply yourselves and fill all the Memory.
And God said -I will create the Programmer; And the Programmer will make new programs and govern over the computers and programs and Data. And God created the Programmer; and put him at Data Center; And God showed the Programmer the Catalog Tree and said, "You can use all the volumes and subvolumes but DO NOT USE Windows."
And God said - It is not Good for the programmer to be alone. He took a bone from the Programmer's body and created a creature that would look up at the Programmer; and admire the Programmer; and love the things the Programmer does; And God called the creature: the User. And the Programmer and the User were left under the naked DOS and it was Good.
But Bill was smarter than all the other creatures of God. And Bill said to the User - Did God really tell you not to run any programs? And the User answered - God told us that we can use every program and every piece of Data but told us not to run Windows or we will die.
And Bill said to the User - How can you talk about something you did not even try. The moment you run Windows you will become equal to God. You will be able to create anything you like by a simple click of your mouse. And the User saw that the fruits of the Windows were nicer and easier to use. And the User saw that any knowledge was useless since Windows could replace it. So the User installed the Windows on his computer; and said to the Programmer that it was good.
And the Programmer immediately started to look for new drivers. And God asked him - What are you looking for? And the Programmer answered - I am looking for new drivers because I can not find them in the DOS. And God said - Who told you need drivers? Did you run Windows? And the Programmer said - It was Bill who told us to!
And God said to Bill - Because of what you did you will be hated by all the creatures. And the User will always be unhappy with you. And you will always sell Windows.
And God said to the User - Because of what you did, the Windows will disappoint you and eat up all your Resources; and you will have to use lousy programs; and you will always rely on the Programmer's help.
And God said to the Programmer - Because you listened to the User you will never be happy. All your programs will have errors and you will have to fix them and fix them to the end of time.
And God threw them out of the Data Center and locked the door and secured it with a password.
GENERAL PROTECTION FAULT
Go to topA new TV ad for Microsoft's Internet Explorer uses the musical theme of the "Confutatis Maledictis" from Wolfgang Mozart's Requiem. The chorus sings 'Confutatis maledictis, flammis acribus addictis' which means 'The damned and accursed are convicted to flames of hell.'
Meanwhile, the cheery line on the screen invites, 'Where do you want to go today?'
(Reported by Paul Murray)
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