Parenting

You Know You're A Parent When...

• You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal.
• You want to take out a contract on the kid who broke your son's favorite toy car and make him cry.
• (for Mom's only!) You only have time to shave one leg at a time.
• You hide in the bathroom just to get some alone-time.
• Your child spits up and you catch it.
• Someone else's kid spits up at a party and you go right on eating.
• You consider fingerpaint to be a controlled substance.
• You've mastered the art of placing large amounts of scrambled eggs and pancakes on the same plate without anything "touching".
• You don't allow your kids to play with any weapon-toys, and your child chews his toast into the shape of a gun.
• You hope ketchup is a vegetable because it's the only one your child eats.
• You fast-forward through the scene where Bambi's mom gets killed.
• You hear YOUR parents voice when it's you that screams "Not in THOSE clothes you don't!"
• You hire a sitter because the two of you haven't been out in ages, then spend half the night calling home to check on the kids.
• Rock concerts give you a headache;

And finally, you KNOW you're a victim of Advanced Parenthood when...

• You start offering to cut up other people's food for them!

Four Expectant Fathers

Four expectant fathers were in Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor.

The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations sir, You're the father of twins."

"What a coincidence" the man said with some obvious pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."

The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, "You sir, are the father of triplets."

"Wow, That's really an incredible coincidence " he answered. "I work for the 3M Corporation." My buddies at work will never let me live this one down.

An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back, this time she turn to the 3rd man - who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets.

Stunned, he barely could reply. "Don't tell me another coincidence?" asked the nurse. After finally regaining his composure, he said "I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."

After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the 4th guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and after some time, he slowly gained back his consiousness.

When he was finally able to speak, you could hear him whispering repeatedly the same phrase over and over again.

"I should have never taken that job at 7-Up
"I should have never taken that job at 7-Up
"I should have never taken that job at 7-Up

Brownies With A Difference

Many parents are hard pressed to explain to their youth why some music, movies, books, and magazines are not acceptable material for them to bring into the home or to listen to or see. One parent came up with an original idea that is hard to refute. The father listened to all the reasons his children gave for wanting to see a particular PG-13 movie. It had their favorite actors. Everyone else was seeing it. Even church members said it was great. It was only rated PG-13 because of the suggestion of sex--they never really showed it. The language was pretty good--the Lord's name was only used in vain three times in the whole movie. The teens did admit there was a scene where a building and a bunch of people were blown up, but the violence was just the normal stuff. It wasn't too bad. And, even if there were a few minor things, the special effects were fabulous and the plot was action packed.

However, even with all the justifications the teens made for the PG13 rating, the father still wouldn't give in. He didn't even give his children a satisfactory explanation for saying, "No." He just said, "No!"

A little later on that evening the father asked his teens if they would like some brownies he had baked. He explained that he'd taken the family's favorite recipe and added a little something new. The children asked what it was.

The father calmly replied that he had added dog poop. However, he quickly assured them, it was only a little bit. All other ingredients were gourmet quality and he had taken great care to bake the brownies at the precise temperature for the exact time. He was sure the brownies would be superb.

Even with their father's promise that the brownies were of almost perfect quality, the teens would not take any. The father acted surprised. After all, it was only one small part that was causing them to be so stubborn. He was certain they would hardly notice it. Still the teens held firm and would not try the brownies.

The father then told his children how the movie they wanted to see was just like the brownies. Our minds are us into believing that just a little bit of evil won't matter. But, the truth is even a little bit of poop makes the difference between a great treat and something disgusting and totally unacceptable. The father went on to explain that even though the movie industry would have us believe that most of today's movies are acceptable fare for adults and youth, they are not.

Now, when this father's children want to see something that is of questionable material, the father merely asks them if they would like some of his special dog poop brownies. That closes the subject.