Work Jokes

Buzzword Bingo

I'm sure we'll all find this to be very relevant to us! We can increase our vocabulary! :-)

For those of you who attend a lot of meetings, this should make those meetings go faster! If you don't attend lots of meetings, consider yourself lucky.

How to play: Simply tick off 5 words heard in one meeting from the following list and shout out BINGO! It's that easy!

Synergy	Proactive, not Reactive	Win-Win Situation
Think Outside the Box	Take That Offline	On the Same Page
Client-Focused	Strategic Fit	Gap Analysis
Best Practice	The Bottom Line	Core Business
Lessons Learned	Touch Base	Revisit
Game Plan	Bandwidth	Hardball
In the Loop	Out of the Loop	Go the Extra Mile
Benchmark	The Big Picture	Value-Added
Movers and Shakers	Ball Park	Fast Track
Result-Driven	A Done Deal	Empower Employees
No Blame	Stretch the Envelope	Knowledge Base
Total Quality	Mindset	Put The One to Bed
Quality-Driven	Move the Goal Posts	Peel the Onion Back

Testimonials from other players:

"I had only been in the meeting for five minutes when I yelled BINGO."

"My attention span at meetings has improved dramatically."

"The facilitator was gobsmacked as we all screamed BINGO for the 3rd time."

"I feel that the game has enhanced the overall quality of meetings per se on a quid pro quo basis."

"People are even listening to mumblers, thanks to Buzzword Bingo!"

Prison vs. Work

In prison you spend a majority of your time in an 8x10 cell. At work you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

In prison you get three meals a day. At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.

In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

At work you must carry a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. In prison, a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

In prison you can watch TV and play games. At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere. At work you're just ball-and-chained.

In prison you get your own toilet. At work you have to share.

In prison they allow your family and friends to visit. At work you can't even speak to your family and friends.

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required. At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out. At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go to bars.

In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time. At work there are some programs you can never get out of.

In prison there are sadistic wardens. At work, we have managers.

You Know You Work In Corporate America If:

• You've sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies.
• Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
• Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
• The company logo on your badge is drawn on a post-it note.
• When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie.
• You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.
• You learn about your layoff on CNN.
• Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes.
• Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
• You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
• Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the Third World countries' annual budgets combined.
• You think lunch is just a meeting to which you drive.
• It's dark when you drive to and from work.
• Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else.
• "Communication" is something your group is having problems with.
• You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.
• Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.
• Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home.
• Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital.
• Art involves a white board.
• You're already late on the assignment you just got.
• When 100% of your time means 20 hours.
• You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say "Oh wow, thanks!"
• Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube.
• Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes", "in your spare time", "when you're freed up", and "I have an opportunity for you."
• Vacation is something you roll over to next year or a check you get every January.
• Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers".
• Change is the norm.
• Nepotism is encouraged.
• The only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures are hanging in your cube.
• You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.
• You read this entire list and understood it.

Hmmmm?

A bus station is where a bus stops.

A train station is where a train stops.

On my desk I have a workstation....

New Rules of the Office

New Rules Of The Office..will be effective immediately:

DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.

OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks motice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A will go from 8 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange.

LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balance meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast & take a diet pill. Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Have a nice week.