Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. How old are you? --- I'm 4 and half --- You're never 36 and a half --- you're 4 and a half going on 5!
That's the key. You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number. How old are you? I'm gonna be 16. You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16.
And then the greatest day of your life happens...you become 21. But you see, even the words sounds like a ceremony... you BECOME 21...YES !!!!
But then you turn 30... Ooohhh what happened there?? Makes you sound like bad milk.... He TURNED, we had to throw him out. There's no fun now. What's wrong??
What changed??? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40...stay over there, it's all slipping away........
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50...my dreams are gone.....
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50 and then you MAKE IT to 60... I didn't think I'd make it.
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50, you MAKE IT to 60, ....by then you build up so much speed .... you HIT 70 !!!!!
After that , it's a day by day thing. After that you HIT Wednesday.....you get into your 80's, you HIT lunch.. You're TURNING 4:30, my grandmother won't even buy green bananas.... "well it's an investment, you know, and maybe a bad one"
And it doesn't end there..... Into the 90's, you start going backwards.... I was JUST 92......Then a strange thing happens, if you make it over 100, you become a little kid again.... I'm 100 and a half!!!!!
Go to topBill Clinton was campaigning at a old age retirement home. He went up to a woman and shook her hand and said "Do you know who I am?" "No," replied the old woman, "but if you go to the front desk, they'll tell you!"
Go to topAn older couple decided that their memory was so bad that they would have to start writing things down in order to remember them. One evening, the husband got up from watching TV and said he was going to the kitchen; He asked his wife if she wanted anything.
Wife: "Yes, I would like some ice cream."
As he set off, the wife said, "Write it down."
Husband: "I can remember ice cream."
Wife: "But I also want strawberries on my ice cream. Write it down"
Husband: "I can remember ice cream with strawberries."
Wife: "But I also want whipped cream on the strawberries."
The husband took off without writing it down. He was gone for a while and when he came back, he was carrying bacon and eggs.
Wife: "Now see what you've done? You forgot the toast!?"
Go to topAn elderly lady did her shopping and, upon return, found four males in her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice that she knows how to use it and that she will if required: so get out of the car. The four men didn't wait around for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's seat.
Small problem: Her key wouldn't fit the ignition. Her car was identical and parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a carjacking by a mad elderly white woman; no charges were filed.
Go to top77 year old Morris went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with great results. Dr. Cohen said, " Morris everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally, emotionally and are you at peace with yourself, and have a good relationship with God?"
Morris replied, "God and me are tight. We are so close that when I get up in the middle of the night, *poof*...the light goes on when I go to the bathroom and then *poof* the light goes off!"
"Wow," commented Dr. Cohen, " That's incredible!"
A little later in the day Dr. Cohen called Morris's wife. "Becky," he said, "Morris is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof* The light goes on in the bathroom and then *poof* the light goes off?'"
Becky replied, "The darn fool! He's peeing in the fridge again!"
Go to topA young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the older gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them.
Then the old man poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.
The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.
The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."
The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "Not yet. It's his turn with the teeth.
Go to topOne day a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.
Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.
"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you good?", they ask.
It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."
Go to topAs a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him.
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Highway 401. Please be careful!"
"Darn," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
Go to topAn elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house and, after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one says: "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man says: "What's the name of the restaurant?"
The first man knits his brow in obvious concentration, and finally says to his companion:
"Aahh, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?"
His friend replies: "A carnation?"
"No, no. The other one," the man says.
His friend offers another suggestion: "The poppy?"
"Nahhhh," growls the man. "You know - the one that is red and has thorns."
His friend says: "Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes! Thank you!" the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells: "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
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