In the beginning, God created the bit. And the bit was a zero.
On the first day, he toggled the 0 to 1, and the Universe was. (In those days, bootstrap loaders were simple, and "active low" signals didn't yet exist.)
On the second day, God's boss wanted a demo, and tried to read the bit. This being volatile memory, the bit reverted to a 0. And the universe wasn't. God learned the importance of backups and memory refresh, and spent the rest of the day (and his first all-nighter) reinstalling the universe.
On the third day, the bit cried "Oh, Lord! If you exist, give me a sign!" And God created rev. 2.0 of the bit, even better than the original prototype. Those in Universe Marketing immediately realized that "new and improved" wouldn't do justice to such a grand and glorious creation. And so it was dubbed the Most Significant Bit. Many bits followed, but only one was so honored.
On the fourth day, God created a simple ALU with 'add' and 'logical shift' instructions. And the original bit discovered that by performing a single shift instruction, it could become the Most Significant Bit. And God realized the importance of computer security.
On the fifth day, God created the first mid-life kicker, rev. 2.0 of the ALU, with wonderful features, and said "Forget that add and shift stuff. Go forth and multiply." And God saw that it was good.
On the sixth day, God got a bit overconfident, and invented pipelines, register hazards, optimizing compilers, crosstalk, restartable instructions, microinterrupts, race conditions, and propagation delays. Historians have used this to convincingly argue that the sixth day must have been a Monday.
On the seventh day, an engineering change introduced Windows into the Universe, and it hasn't worked right since.
Go to topSoftware undergoes alpha testing as a first step in getting user feedback. Alpha is Latin for "doesn't work."
Beta:
Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it's released. Beta is Latin for "still doesn't work."
Computer:
Instrument of torture. The first computer was invented by Roger "Duffy" Billingsly, a British scientist. In a plot to overthrow Adolf Hitler, Duffy disguised himself as a German ally and offered his invention as a gift to the surly dictator. The plot worked. On April 8, 1945, Adolf became so enraged at the "Incompatible File Format" error message that he shot himself. The war ended soon after Hitler's death, and Duffy began working for IBM.
CPU:
Central propulsion unit. The CPU is the computer's engine. It consists of a hard drive, an interface card and a tiny spinning wheel that's powered by a running rodent - a gerbil if the machine is a old machine, a ferret if it's a Pentium and a ferret on speed if it's a Pentium II.
Default Directory:
Black hole. Default directory is where all files that you need disappear to.
Error message:
Terse, baffling remark used by programmers to place blame on users for the program's shortcomings.
File:
A document that has been saved with an unidentifiable name. It helps to think of a file as something stored in a file cabinet - except when you try to remove the file, the cabinet gives you an electric shock and tells you the file format is unknown.
Hardware:
Collective term for any computer-related object that can be kicked or battered.
Help:
What we all need. Actually, it is the feature that assists in generating more questions. When the help feature is used correctly, users are able to navigate through a series of Help screens and end up where they started from without learning anything.
Input/Output:
Information is input from the keyboard as intelligible data and output to the printer as unrecognizable junk.
Interim Release:
A programmer's feeble attempt at repentance.
Memory:
Of computer components, the most generous in terms of variety, and the skimpiest in terms of quantity.
Printer:
A joke in poor taste. A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
Programmers:
Computer avengers. Once members of that group of high school nerds who wore tape on their glasses, played Dungeons and Dragons, and memorized Star Trek episodes; now millionaires who create "user-friendly" software to get revenge on whoever gave them noogies.
Reference Manual:
Object that raises the monitor to eye level. Also used to compensate for that short table leg.
Scheduled Release Date:
A carefully calculated date determined by estimating the actual shipping date and subtracting six months from it.
User-Friendly:
Of or pertaining to any feature, device or concept that makes perfect sense to a programmer.
Users:
Collective term for those who stare vacantly at a monitor. Users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate and expert.
'Twas the night before release date and all through the house,
Not a program was working, not even a browse.
The Programmers hung by their cubes in despair,
With hopes that a miracle soon would be there.
The users were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of working code danced in their heads.
When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my desk to see what was the matter.
And what to my wondering eyes did appear,
But a super programmer with a six-pack of beer.
His resume glowed with experience so rare,
He turned out great code with a bit-pushers flair.
More rapid than eagles, his programs they came,
And he whistled and shouted and called them by name.
On Menu, On Report, On Procedures And Delete,
On Monitor, On Batch-jobs, On Functions Complete.
His eyes were glazed over, fingers nimble and lean,
From weekends and nights spent in front of a screen.
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon made it clear we had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
Turning specs into code; then he turned with a jerk;
And laying his finger upon the
The software came up and worked perfectly.
The menus, they menued, the deletes they deleted,
The reports they reported, and the batch-jobs completed.
He tested each whistle, and tested each bell,
With nary a stack dump, and all had gone well.
The software was finished, the tests were concluded.
Our users' last minute requests were included.
Then the users exclaimed with a snarl and a taunt,
IT'S JUST WHAT WE ASKED FOR, BUT NOT WHAT WE WANT!