Computers

More Dangerous Viruses!!! Beware!!!

Be on the lookout for these despicable viruses. No current virus-protection software can even detect these, much less help your system once they are on it. Beware!!!

Woody Allen Virus

Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card.

Tonya Harding Virus

Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons.

Paul Revere Virus

Warns of an impending virus infection: 1 if by LAN, 2 if by C:\

Hillary Rodham Clinton Virus

Instantly turns 1K of disk space into 1 Meg.

Ollie North Virus

Plays a patriotic .WAV while it shreds your files

Joey Buttafuaco Virus

Only attacks minor files.

Michael Jackson Virus

Preys on child processes.

Ronald Reagan Virus

Saves your data, but forgets where it's stored

Jane Fonda Virus

Attacks your hard drive's FAT.

Oprah Winfrey Virus

Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB

AT&T Virus

Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are gettin

MCI Virus

Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus

Politically Correct Virus

Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."

Ross Perot Virus

Activates every component in your system, just before the whole darn thing quits.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus

Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back

Government Economist Virus

Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

Federal Bureaucrat Virus

Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

Adam and Eve Virus

Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer.

Congressional Virus #1

The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

Congressional Virus #2

Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.

Airline Virus

You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

Freudian Virus

Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard. Or becomes very jealous of the size of your friend's hard drive.

PBS Virus

Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.

Jimmy Hoffa Virus

Your programs can never be found again.

LAPD Virus

It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense."

O.J. Virus

It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it.

Computers vs. Cars

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that get 1000 miles per gallon."

Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"

Mistakes

A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.

Theoretical Question

At a recent computer software engineering course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer: "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark immediately?"

Among the ensuing forest of raised hands only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay aboard. With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone takeoff.

Program Development Cycle

Software doesn't just appear on the shelves by magic. That program shink-wrappedinside the box along with the indecipherable manual and 12-paragraph disclaimer notice actually came to you by way of an elaborate path, through the most rigid quality control on the planet. Here, shared for the first time with the general public, are the inside details of the program development cycle.

1.Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.

2.Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.

3.Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.

4.Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs.

5.See 3.

6.See 4.

7.See 5.

8.See 6.

9.See 7.

10.See 8.

11.Due to marketing pressure and an extremely pre-mature product announcement based on over-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.

12.Users find 137 new bugs.

13.Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.

14.Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.

15.Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.

16.Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.

17.New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires programmer to redo program from scratch.

18.Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.

Y-to-K Date Change Project Status

"Our staff has completed the 18 months of work on time and on budget. We have gone through every line of code in every program in every system. We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change. We are proud to report that we have completed the "Y-to-K" date change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data to reflect your new standards:

Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October, November, December

As well as: Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak

I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this Y to K problem has made any sense to me. But I understand it is a global problem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible. And what does the year 2000 have to do with it? Speaking of which, what do you think we ought to do next year when the two digit year rolls over from 99 to 00?

Computer Geek T-shirts

C:\WINDOWS
C:\WINDOWS\GO
C:\PC\CRAWL

C:\DOS
C:\DOS\RUN
RUN\DOS\RUN

My name is BAUD
James BAUD

Cannot find REALITY.SYS
Universe Halted

My computer never had bugs.
It just develops Random Features

CONGRESS.SYS
Corrupt: Re-boot Washington?

BREAKFAST.COM
Halted.....
Cereal Port Not Responding

We'll await your direction."