Kids

Superman Goes To School

At his request, each morning three-year-old Ry's mother pinned a bath towel to the back shoulders of his size two T-shirt. Immediately in his young imaginative mind, the towel became a brilliant magic blue and red cape. And he became Superman.

Outfitted each day in his "cape," Ry's days were packed with adventure and daring escapades. He was Superman.

This fact was clearly pointed out last fall when his mother enrolled him in kindergarten class. During the course of the interview, the teacher asked Ry his name.

"Superman," he answered politely and without pause.

The teacher smiled forgivingly, cast an appreciative glance at his mother, and asked again, "Your real name, please."

Again, Ry answered, "Superman."

Realizing the situation demanded more authority, or maybe to hide amusement, the teacher closed her eyes for a moment, then in a voice quite stern, said, "I will have to have your real name for the records."

Sensing he'd have to play straight with the teacher, Ry slid his eyes around the room, hunched closer to her, and patting a corner of frayed towel at his shoulder, answered in a voice hushed with conspiracy: "Clark Kent."

Computer Literacy

I was teaching my 4 year old daughter how to unbuckle her seatbelt. She asked, "Do I click the square?"

I said, "Yes."

She asked, "Single click or double click?"

Speed Trap

A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for speeders. But one day, when everyone was under the speed limit, the officer found the problem: A 10 year old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said "RADAR TRAP AHEAD."

A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's accomplice, another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket at his feet, full of change.

Things Kids Write In School

Some grade school teachers must agree with that, because they keep journals of amusing things their students have written in papers. Here are a few examples:

• The future of "I give" is "I take."
• The parts of speech are lungs and air.
• The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.
• A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the population.
• A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot.
• The general direction of the Alps is straight up.
• A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing it through an aviator.
• Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.
• The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.
• The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.
• We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.
• One of the main causes of dust is janitors.
• A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities.
• One by-product of raising cattle is calves.
• To prevent head colds, use an agonizer to spray into the nose until it drips into the throat.
• The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
• The climate is hottest next to the Creator.
• Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply religious feelings.
• The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.
• Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.
• The blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other.
• In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon.
• Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.
• In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah.
• A person should take a bath once in the summer, not so often in the winter.

Kids On Easter

One Easter morning, a Sunday School teacher asked her class if they knew the origins of this special day.

One young man responded immediately, "It's opening day for the Yankees and Giants". Not wishing to stifle creative thinking, the teacher responded, "What a wonderful answer! But I had something else in mind".

A young girl then stood and remarked, "That's the day we get nice new clothes and go find the eggs from the Easter Bunny. "That's right", said the teacher," But there's something else just a little more important.

A young man then jumped up and yelled, "I know, I know!!. "After Jesus died on the cross, some of his friends buried him in a tomb they called a sepulcher".

The teacher thought, "I don't believe it, someone actually knows". The little boy continued, "and three days later Jesus arose and opened the door of the tomb and stepped out". "Yes, yes, said teacher, "Go on, go on! And the youngster said "And if he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of bad weather".

Childrens' Comments

Mark Twain's contention was that the most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop. These words of wisdom were all spoken by children under 10.

• You can listen to thunder after lightening to tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it never mind.
• Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.
• South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.
• Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.
• Genetics explains why you look like your father ... and if you don't, why you should.
• Vacuums are nothing. I only mention them to let them know we know they are there.
• Some people can tell the time by looking at the sun, but I have never been able to make out the numbers.
• We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
• I am not sure how clouds get formed but the clouds know how to do it and that is the important thing.

The Answer Man Tackles Baby Questions

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A: Nothing (if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him).

Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A: When you see teeth marks.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.