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Some One-Liners

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

I intend to live forever -- so far, so good

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!

Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff are made of

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have

Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

 If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Energizer BunnyEnergizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
Registered Trademark of the Eveready Battery Company, Inc.

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

Put on your seatbelt...I wanna try something.

The Universe is a figment of its own imagination.

There's no future in time travel.

Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.

If you can't convince them, confuse them.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

A good pun is its own reword.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...

24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

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You Know You're Too Stressed If...

Relatives that have been dead for years come visit you and suggest that you should get some rest.

You can achieve a "Runners High" by sitting up.

You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

The Sun is too loud.

Trees begin chasing you.

You can see individual air molecules vibrating.

You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution of espresso.

You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee.

You can hear mimes.

You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly.

Things becomes "Very Clear".

You ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go.

You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

You begin speaking in a language that only you and Channelers can understand.

The less sense matter and matter is more than sense.

You keep yelling "STOP TOUCHING ME!!!" even though you are the only one in the room.

Your heart beats in 7/8 time.

You and Reality file for divorce.

You can skip without a rope.

It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.

You have great revelations concerning: Life, the Universe, and Everything else, but can't quite find the words forthem before the white glow disappears, leaving you more confused than before.

You can travel without moving.

Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.

You discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies.

You have an irresistible urge to bite the noses of the people you are talking to.

You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before...

Losing your mind was okay, but when the voices in your head quieted, it was like losing your best friend.

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If 99.9% Is Good Enough Then...

12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily

114,500 mismatched pairs of shoes will be shipped/year

18,322 pieces of mail will be mishandled/hour

2,000,000 documents will be lost by the IRS this year

2.5 million books will be shipped with the wrong covers

Two planes landed at Chicago's O'Hare airport will be unsafe every day

315 entries in Webster's Dictionary will be misspelled

20,000 incorrect drug prescriptions will be written this year

880,000 credit cards in circulation will turn out to have incorrect cardholder information on their agnetic strips

103,260 income tax returns will be processed incorrectly during the year

5.5 million cases of soft drinks produced will be flat

291 pacemaker operations will be performed incorrectly

3056 copies of tomorrow's Wall Street Journal will be missing one of the three sections

A typical day would be 24 hours long (give or take 86.4 seconds)

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