There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.
I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.
Don't worry about the world ending today...It's already tomorrow in Australia.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think you are.
Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.
Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
I have several hobbies I enjoy to the fullest. I have a large sea shell collection I keep scattered on all the beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen it?
A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to admire his work.
A man usually feels better after a few winks, especially if she winks back.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
A baby first laughs at the age of four weeks. By that time his eyes focus well enough to see you clearly.
A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two things: 1 - Women, 2 - Fractions.
The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
If at first you don't succeed ... well, so much for sky diving.
The only gracious way to accept an insult is to ignore it. If you can't ignore it, top it. If you can't top it, laugh at it. If you can't laugh at it, it's probably deserved.
He who hesitates is sometimes saved.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Go to topI went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4s"?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?
Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking?
Go to topWanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Don't take life too seriously: You're not getting out alive, anyway.
I got a gun for my wife. Best trade I ever made.
Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a REAL man to face cancer.
I need someone really bad... Are you really bad?
I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.
If something goes without saying, LET IT!
Help wanted -- telepathy: you know where to apply.
WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
God loves stupid people. That's why he made so many.
I said "NO" to drugs... but they just WOULDN'T listen.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt in case heaven is like the IRS.
When there's a Will, I want to be in it!
Warning: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump, and spill your drink.
Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling so marvelous myself.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Very funny, Scotty... Now beam down my clothes!
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Go to top47. Act naturally
46. Found missing
45. Resident alien
44. Advanced BASIC
43. Genuine imitation
42. Airline Food
41. Good grief
40. Same difference
39. Almost exactly
38. Government organization
37. Sanitary landfill
36. Alone together
35. Legally drunk
34. Silent scream
33. American history
32. Living dead
31. Small crowd
30. Business ethics
29. Soft rock
28. Butt Head
27. Military Intelligence
26. Software documentation
25. New York culture
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
22. Childproof
21. "Now, then ..."
20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force
15. Extinct Life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased
10. Computer security
09. Political science
08. Tight slacks
07. Definite maybe
06. Pretty ugly
05. Twelve-ounce pound cake
04. Diet ice cream
03. Working vacation
02. Exact estimate
And the Number one top OXY-Moron:
01. Microsoft Works
"Filthy, Stinking Rich -- Well, Two Out of Three Ain't Bad"
"Real Men Don't Waste Their Hormones Growing Hair"
"Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message at This Time"
"That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" - (seen on an 8 year old)
"Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"
"Procrastinate Now"
"Rehab Is for Quitters"
"My Dog Can Lick Anyone"
"I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts -- Do You Want Fries With That?"
"Party -- My Crib - Two A.M." (On a baby-size shirt)
"If a woman's place is in the home WHY AM I ALWAYS IN THIS CAR!"
"ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING"
"A hangover is the wrath of grapes"
"STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!"
"He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead"
"HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH"
"A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS--But it uses up a thousand times the memory."
"Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."
"HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig."
"HARD WORK WILL PAY OFF LATER. LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW!"
"The trouble with life is there's no background music."
"Two rights do not make a wrong. They make an airplane."
"MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT"
"Computer programmers don't byte, they nybble a bit."
"Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research."
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