If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a dang fool about it.
There will always be root beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
Following the rules will not get the job done.
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
Go to topThese are taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed in the July 21, 1997 issue of Fortune Magazine:
And for those of us who already have jobs, these quotes were taken from actual performance evaluations:
A Chinese company and an American company decided to have a Dragon-boat race on the Columbia river. Both the teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day the Chinese won by a mile. Afterwards the American team became very discouraged and morally depressed. The American Management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A "MANAGEMENT TEAM" made up of senior management was formed. They investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was that the Chinese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 persons steering and one person rowing, so American Management hired a CONSULTING Company, and paid them an incredible amount of money. They advised that too many people were steering the boat and not enough people were rowing.
To prevent losing to the Chinese again next year, the rowing team's MANAGEMENT STRUCTURE was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new PERFORMANCE SYSTEM that would give the I person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Rowing Team QUALITY FIRST Program", with meetings, dinners, and free pens for the rower. "We must give the rower the empowerment and enrichments through this quality program".
The next year the Chinese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American management:
Then they distributed the money, saved as bonuses, to the senior executives.
Only in America!
Go to topIn answer to the eternal question "Is it better to be a jock or a nerd?" I submit the following:
Michael Jordan will make over $300,000 a game: $10,000 a minute, assuming he averages about 30 minutes per game. Assuming $40 million in endorsements next year, he'll be making $178,100 a day (working or not)!
Assuming he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.
If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there.
If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.
He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage (after the wage hike)
He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.
If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.
If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.
He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be 'reimbursed' $33,390 for that round.
Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into his tax deferred account (401k), he will hit the federal cap of $9500 for such accounts at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st, 1997.
If you were given a tenth of a penny for every dollar he made, you'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.
He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics. He'll make about $15,600 while the Boston Marathon is being run.
While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600.
Next year, he'll make more than twice as much as all of our past presidents for all of their terms combined.
Amazing isn't it? BUT:
JORDAN WILL HAVE TO SAVE 100% OF HIS INCOME FOR 270 YEARS TO HAVE A NET WORTH EQUIVALENT TO THAT OF BILL GATES.
NERDS RULE! NERDS RULE! NERDS RULE!
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