Work Jokes

Come And Listen To A Story 'Bout A Man Named Jed

Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed,
A poor college kid, barely kept his family fed,
But then one day he was talking to a recruiter,
Who said, "they pay big bucks if ya work on a computer..."

Windows, that is... PCs... Workstations...

Well, the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an Engineer.
The kinfolk said "Jed, move away from here".
They said "California is the place ya oughta be",
So he bought some donuts and moved to Silicon Valley...

Intel, that is... Pentium ... big amusement park...

On his first day at work, they stuck him in a cube.
Fed him more donuts and sat him at a tube.
They said "your project's late, but we know just what to do.
Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you 52!"

OT, that is... unpaid... mandatory...

The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad.
Schedules started slipping and some managers were mad.
They called another meeting and decided on a fix.
The answer was simple... "We'll work him sixty-six!"

Tired, that is... stressed out... no social life...

Months turned to years and his hair was turning grey.
Jed worked very hard while his life slipped away.
Waiting to retire when he turned 64,
Instead he got a call and escorted out the door.

Laid off, that is... de-briefed... unemployed...

Now the moral of the story is listen to what you're told,
Companies will use you and discard you when you're old.
So gather up your friends and start up your own firm,
Beat the competition, and watch the bosses squirm.

Millionaires, that is... Bill Gates... Steve Jobs...

Y'all come back now... ya hear'

Here's an Arizona version of the above, with graphics and music! Click anywhere on this text.

Restroom Policy

To all Employees
Subj: Restroom Policy

In the past, employees have been permitted to make trips to therestroom under informal guidelines. Effective January 15, 1998, a Restroom Trip Policy will be established to provide a more consistent method of accounting for each employee's restroom time and ensuring equal treatment of employees.

Under the policy, a "Restroom Trip Bank" will be established for each employee. The first day of each month, employees will be given a Restroom Trip credit of twenty (20) trips. Restroom Trip credits can be accumulated from month to month (but in no event may any employee accrue more than 30 trips).

Within two weeks, the entrances to all restrooms will be equipped with Equitrac voice recognition systems units. Before the end of December, each employee must provide two copies of voice prints (one normal and one under stress) to the office manager. The voice print recognition units will be operational but not restrictive for the month of January. Employees should acquaint themselves with the station during that period.

If the employee's Restroom Bank balance reaches zero, the doors to the restroom will not unlock for that employee's voice until the new Restroom Bank days are accrued. It is recommended that employees plan accordingly. There is to be no trading of Restroom Bank credits between employees.

In addition, all restroom stalls are being equipped with timed paper roll retractors. If the stall is occupied for more than three (3) minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty (30) seconds after the alarm sounds the roll of paper will retract into the wall, the toilet will flush, and the stall door will open. If the stall remains occupied, your picture will be taken and posted on the bulletin board. Anyone's picture showing up three (3) times will be subject to disciplinary action, not excluding dismissal.

At this time management has decided not to enact a per employee toilet paper square use limitation, but the adoption of such a program is under review.

If you have any questions about this policy, please ask your immediate supervisor. They have all received advance instruction.

Thank you and have a nice day,

The Management Committee

Dilbert Quotes Contest

A magazine ran a Dilbert quotes contest. These are actual quotes from managers out there.

1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Charles Hurst at Sun Microsystems.)
2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.
3. How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff?
4. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only to be used for company business.
5. Turnover is good for the company, as it proves that we are doing a good job in training people.
6. This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it.
7. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.
8. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them.

Fitting People to Jobs

Does your organization struggle with the problem of properly fitting people to jobs? Here is a handy hint for ensuring success in job placement.

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

• If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in Engineering.
• If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.
• If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to Manufacturing.
• If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.
• If they are sleeping, they are Management material.
• If they are writing up the experience, send them to Tech Pubs.
• If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.
• If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.
• And if they've left early, put them in Sales.

Quality of Life

The American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The Mexican replied, only a little while.

The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish? The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs. The American then asked, "but what do you do with the rest of your time?"

The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria,stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life."

The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats. Eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise."

The Mexican fisherman asked, "But, how long will this all take?" To which the American replied, "15-20 years."

"But what then?"

The American laughed and said that's the best part. "When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions." "Millions..

Then what?"

The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take a siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."